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I think I’m depressed. All I can think are depressing thoughts about meaninglessness and other pointless self-destructive bullshit. I can’t be self-critical because I need to show how smart I am and how great I am and you know what? All it does is dig the (ass)hole deeper. I can’t be sarcastic, this seriousness is not me, it’s a problem that is ruining whatever personality I might have had before. 

I am losing grip, feeling disconnected and uncreative, frustrated by the similarity of every single day and every single day of my own little existence. I can’t even think about things outside of myself, politics and philosophy and human relations in general because all I can think about is me, me, me and how much I suck.

Fuck. This is not a cry for help, it is me venting at myself, LOOK HOW FAR GONE YOU ARE. Priorities lost, responsibilities shunned, adrift in a sea with nothing to see. It’s the same day in and day out, I don’t know how to relieve the monotony, getting lost in this cloud of nothing. 

Right now, 1:12 am on March 17th, is a low point for me. Nothing bad happened, and that’s just it, nothing happened. Nothing. I came home, watched tv, wrote a little, read a little, listened to some music, talked online for no reason, and sat here, alone and bored. I am so far gone that instead of taking advantage of this free time I have, to make music or read or do homework or do something productive, all I do is sit and mope. Recognizing it is only the first step. I am slowly losing my desire, my need to achieve, to strive, to struggle, to do anything other than mope. Sure, I have no girl, haven’t had sex in months, my guitarist quit on me and I’m not getting as good grades as I’m capable of, but none of these is the end of the world, I am letting them affect me, letting them destroy my otherwise positive mindset. I can’t even understand having a conversation with someone anymore, connecting with a person, I ask myself “what’s the point,” don’t talk, don’t think, don’t do, I’m going nowhere fast, and no matter what I end up doing a few months down the line, no matter how great the movie is or how awesome the song, if I don’t fix this problem and learn from it, it will ruin me.